I last but not least figured out why I do insanely silly issues like marrying for the wrong causes, expending as well much time in poisonous relationships, finding back again operation to protect against more back agony, or even acquiring myself sexually assaulted when I was 14, at an age which anyone a short while ago explained to me, I was or should have been “old enough to know far better.” I was not. No a person underneath 18 must be held accountable for their steps. The final decision to sexually assault me was totally on the male who perpetrated that horrific act. But in every single situation, like the Creek God Phaéthōn, who was admonished not to fly much too shut to the sunlight, nor stray also far from it, on some degree, I realized what may transpire if I continued in a specified way.
What is likely on is a deep and morbid curiosity into the depths of human suffering. That shit fascinates me. Generally has. Just can’t get more than enough of it. I put myself in the wilderness, consciously or not, just to see if I can discover my way out. In every single case, and in various other conditions I will not get into, I went in, like a sheep or a commando, screening the boundaries laid out by culture, difficult the Gods in some way, heading in opposition to my own nature, my personal ideal instincts and my individual greatest pursuits, with the sole objective of discovering out what misery I could find out to reside with. The remedy is zero.
In each and every circumstance, every time I challenged the bounds of culture, examined the gods, and in the end went versus my very own ideal instincts, disaster undoubtedly adopted. Some of which has taken decades to recover from. In each situation, I had a selection. At times I didn’t notice I had a preference regardless of whether to set myself in harms way. And there are situation wherever we definitely do not have a option.
There is a spot for suffering that qualified prospects to victory and a deepening of spirit. There is a backlink among vulnerability and becoming. No story, no staying. I notice that remaining needs hazards and that without the need of some limitation to defeat we will not come to be our best selves. We have to take a look at our limitations to know flexibility.
Not all dangers are negative, but there is often a line not to be crossed. And is struggling a necessity for less than stellar alternatives? How risk averse am I now, soon after having burned so a lot? How significantly chance am I now keen to choose on? There will come a level in which even though most of the messes I have created do lastly resolve. Nevertheless the bodily agony, the dress in and toll these follies have taken on the human body, continues on, residing within me as suffering — chronic, searing, nonstop pain. Pain has built me much a lot less eager to just take threats, even balanced ones. Perhaps this is knowledge. Perhaps it is one thing else.
My guidance to any one seeking to check the boundaries of their mortality. Appear (and believe) ahead of you leap.